My link with wolves.

Nina Crowlace asked why wolves are of interest to me… well, that has a few parts.

I suppose it started mainly because dogs were my favorite animal when I was little and as time passed I grew to like wolves as they were just bigger, more primal looking huskies. The other part to that is a bit psychological, you remember how middle school was essentially hell on Earth right? Well for me that was probably my lowest point in life.

(Be warned, past this has a lot of possibly exaggerated point of view parts but it is how I recall things to be. Bear with the backstory parts as it all links in to the answer.)

As you know, and this is as good a place as any to mention to other readers, my dad died when I was seven due to kidney complications; prior to this I had to miss a lot of school going back and forth to the hospitals, due to this I was really out of touch with my peer group outside the few I actually had contact with outside of school, this only got worse until the latter part of 5th grade. Up until the end of 5th grade, around the time I first was introduced into the Big Brother Big Sisters program, I was an emotional recluse which ended up alienating everyone I had contact with; to this day I still believe I would have gone down some dark roads if not for my assigned “brother” Terry Ferrel.

Over the Summer between 5th and 6th grade I had come out of my shell a tiny bit and began to try and make connections with others, which ended as one might guess during the horrible anarchy that is Middle School. Outside you and the other girls from our initial group, and even a few of you weren’t as open towards me at the time because I was essentially an unknown, I was either ignored or picked on by others despite my best efforts to befriend people; this continued until seventh grade all the while my mentality through it all was not the most stable since you know puberty and all that. Towards the latter end of 7th grade, really over the Summer following 7th grade and most of 8th grade, I hit my lowest emotional point where, despite family and my “brother” being generally supportive, the influence of my peers had drug me down to a depressed mentality; this is where your answer comes from.

Being the literate buff that I am, my thoughts tend to be a bit overly dramatic in terms of how I articulate them… think how people react on Anime’s and such, really dramatically. This did not change, actually it was probably worse, during this depressed time; I always feel strongly on this topic because I link the mentality I had then with the mentality I perceive those who commit suicide, are contemplating it, or other depress related incidents have so I feel it to be truly relevant.

(This part is where the wolf stuff comes in, I left it out some of the side build up because it digresses a little bit but the end result is the same.)

I felt as though there was a “sway” on which direction I could take from that point on, I could let it break me and become one of the masses or I could let it make me stronger, I choose the latter; in my own thoughts I felt as though society worked based on leaders and followers, this was ever present throughout Middle School because everyone tried to fit in the best they could to a clique and every clique seemed to have an alpha that expressed dominance over the others; these were the people who had more self confidence and were able to take the leader role. I felt as though I were outcast from this basic structure, unable to be a follower due to my own ideals but unable to be a leader because others tended to shun me due to my timidness; so the solution was clear, I’d make like a wolf.

(I’m typing this at 2 AM so the order of facts at this part may be a little off, I’ll have to fact check later to make sure they aren’t because this really factored into my thought process back at the time.)

If you didn’t know, wolves will form packs during times where it becomes necessary to have comrades, such as hunting seasons; when it comes time they will separate and go it alone until it is time to mate or regroup with a pack, whichever comes first. My mentality was that if I couldn’t be a leader or follower of a “pack” proper I’d just be a lone wolf, I’d make my own decisions, care only for those who gave mutual care back, seek no help unless I felt it absolutely dire, and pretty much, for lack of better words, say fuck it to everyone else’s opinions about me and to not take crap from people anymore; this worked out well because, oddly enough, when I retracted my invitation of friendship everyone else wanted to befriend me, leading a bit into my god complex.

Now this part is where it gets a bit odd, remember how I changed almost completely for Freshman year of High School? That is where my mentality changed again, with regards to how I had grown more confident with myself and, due almost exclusively to you and the others from our initial group, I felt as if I could try and become a pseudo-alpha to our group. Take no offence to that statement, in my mind my position was more as guardian against outside influences towards our group, everyone else was still timid in regards to their ability to handle the harsh parts of High School, namely in the finding themselves phase, and I felt I was one to stand up for those closest to me when need be. My mentality over the time became more of a leader of lone wolves than the leader of subordinates, which is why I feel as if our friend group was a superior format to others in that we could come for support when need be but not assimilate to the exact behaviors of the group; a pack of lone wolves if you will.


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