… and no I don’t mean Minecraft. Lately I’ve had a creativity block in my mind, well to be honest it’s more like a crippling mental block that has spread to full blown apathy towards everything; an all encompassing disinterest and sense of depression that happens between semesters of college every time. I feel it stems from feeling stagnant with my current position in life, generally speaking college is the only reliable source of step completion towards my success in life; without college currently going on, and it being the dead of Winter, my slight anxiety when it comes towards taking other steps has re-emerged, things such as finally taking my drivers test and searching for a job. I have countless fears involving how to plan things out and how it would effect me all around, I like to be well informed ahead of time before taking risks and these are complications I’ve never encountered before.
I have confidence in my driving abilities to pass the drivers test, in fact parallel parking is the only thing I have doubts about due to never having a chance to practice but the times I had to do it in drivers education were executed flawlessly. My main issues with driving come from the fact EVERY SINGLE TIME I get used to driving again some sort of mechanical problem happens that renders the vehicle undriveable, by me, for prolonged periods of time; my sister killed the first 3 vehicles I was used to and the 4th (which I went half for and share with my mom) initially had some issues that she felt were “unsafe” for me to drive with and once those were fixed something else would happen to it… As for getting a job, I have an excellent work ethic and have no problem following orders; I do, however, have a weird anxiety towards new experiences and have never actually had a paying job, the closest I’ve had were Ag class related (which involved tasks that were similar to stocking, organizing stock, sales pitching, etc.). I also have had a class over work related behaviors, how to execute an interview, setting up a resume and other such formalities; I just haven’t put them into action and fear the changes that come with that responsibility. Both issues tie in together because I need a vehicle to have a job and, up until college financial aid allowed me to start saving for a vehicle, had no way to pay for a vehicle because I didn’t have a job; added with college time stressors, which are relatively low for me because I’ve yet to experience a truly hard class, this puts me at my current position of confusion.
On a less important note my stagnation feeling is affecting my habits; I’m up quite late every night/day (I’ve been sleeping from about 5 am to 11-2 pm lately), my general disinterest to play games (if I do I enter a trance of sorts that kind of kills the fun) has made me a lay about, it is Winter so outside activity is at minimum to avoid diseases, and a block on the creative flow all inhibit my time wasting (which would help, as it would psychologically speed up the time till college starts and breaks me free of this stagnation again). What’s worse is this leaves me with plenty of relative solitude in my own head, thoughts flow ever constantly and when left alone they overwhelm me; normally this isn’t a problem if I can find a way to channel the flow of thoughts but this has become difficult recently. Even worse than that is the realization that this feeling is likely to repeat within the same conditions, I need to find a cycle breaker and need steps to work towards; I guess I’m having a mid life crisis despite only recently turning 20 (though in my family it seems the average lifespan is slightly under 50 so that could be an accurate statement).
Honestly I’ve had faint nagging in my mind that points towards something I tend to do every two or three years; a complete reassessment of my personality life in general. It sounds weird but it’s a more conscious version of what everyone does from time to time; the depression part certainly fits with the usual sensations that could be traced back to my first real experience of this sort of thing. I peg the first experience when I initially broke free of my depression caused by my father’s passing, though that would have been a more mild version of what happens; the first true experience would have encompassed all of 8th grade and the Summer prior to High School, when I reassessed my self worth and made the initial decision to pick up apathy towards everything in the sense that if I didn’t care it couldn’t hurt me; the next reassessment came mid Senior year when I decided to actually break free of the apathy and express my true nature, which has thus far been amazing because I’ve felt better than I ever have. I fear this new reassessment, because it could be for better or worse; usually the assessment phases out the unneeded or inhibiting aspects of my behaviors.
Recently my thoughts have turned to going back into my assertive mentality once more. I’ve been passive for too long, as I’m no longer a group leader in college (because MY group dispersed to pursue their own goals in life, we’re in contact but that’s not the same), and the current group has recently had a falling out for petty reasons I feel could have been avoided if I put my foot down and took the mediator position again. Until recently being passive hasn’t had any problems, I had been known to rant every now and then but that was more out of boredom than any real reason or emotional involvement, in essence my true self has been suppressed once again by the faux display I put on to keep status quo. Another reassessment will surely lift that inhibition, and I fear that once status quo is broken it can never be returned to the same flow.
Along with the personality reassessment I usually do a, much less meaningful, wardrobe work over. Last time I did a reassessment I picked up a more casual outfit because I began wearing polo shirts, cargo pants, and kept a much shorter haircut than I had previously; this was a change from my previous “goth” esque ensemble that included almost entirely black graphic design T-Shirts (I admit included some Hot Topic band shirts), black jeans, and hair that was about a foot and a half in length. I’m considering a more professional look this time around, but I have no idea; this entire part of the reassessment isn’t really a part of it per say, I just usually end up changing my dress style around the same time. Who knows how it’ll all turn out, this is partly insomniac rambling to express the jumble of thoughts coursing through my head before they drive me completely insane.